Inspiring Words

Decided to post a little blurb from a conversation I had with my best friend.
Me: sometimes I love my writing

My best friend Brock: I'm glad you can recognize that there's stuff there to love. A lot of writers

can't see anything there.

Me: there are days where I have no idea why I still plug away at this where I doubt it will ever be anything and I will have just wasted my life doing this but I love it so much so how can that be a waste

Brock: Truth!

A Late Night Emotionally Charged Post

  Forgive the emotion level in this post, I am on the rag and have watched too many romantic movies today. Why you ask??

Because I am an emotional masochist, also known as a hopeless romantic.

  I have wanted to fall in love since I was a little girl. In the beginning it was the fairy tale, happily ever after, prince and princess stuff Disney force fed little girls. Don't get me wrong, I love Disney movies always have and always will but as a little girl it just seemed like that was all I saw around me.

   Then as I grew older it was the girl meets boy, normal relationship that hopefully doesn't end in divorce type of love story.

  Then I got a little older and it turned into the girl meets boy or girl meets girl and blah blah love blah blah marriage blah blah blah.

  I can tell myself that's what I want....in reality I still want the fairytale. Yes I still could end up with a Prince or a Princess because I am a bisexual women but that doesn't change that I want the horrible cliche, running to each other and kissing in the rain while the credits roll happily ever after.

  Sadly....and also in a paradoxical type situation... I am also a realist. And while it is perfectly possible for me to have the fairy tale I have craved since I was a young girl, I know in the end it isn't realistic. Why isn't it realistic you may ask...well because I seem to be one of the least wanted people on the planet. Yes once again...not a realistic statement but I am not exactly thinking logically right now. I mean the people from the Westboro Baptist Church can get married and breed at a surprising rate but I can't even get a date let alone have a relationship.

  I am still a virgin and I am going to be 25 in like 7 months and I swear if I don't get laid before I'm 30 I will join a convent or go into full hermit mode and try to stop caring so much. Come to think of it I have tried to do that before and it hasn't worked. I know exactly why it hasn't worked because I need people...I am a person who needs people and there is nothing wrong with that.

  But to my point...how do I relieve the ache from the empty hole in my heart that exists because of all my failed relationships? I write...I write my perfect romance in each and every book I've tried to finish. Yes the character I am based with always ends up with a guy and once again I know exactly why that is.

  While I say I'm Bisexual....I like women a lot more. They are less judgmental, more willing to please, and I understand them better. For me to date a guy he has to be like an 8 or higher....and I am like a 2...on a good day. Women don't seem to notice that I'm a 2 while men....well I can't even get hit on by guys anymore...so there is no way in this life I am going to get the hot guys that I want. Women...I just don't see the same way, with women its the small things that make them beautiful like an amazing smile, or a laugh, or sharing an interest. I fall for women so easily and so quickly but yet the two I've been with have sadly not even deserved to have me, low as my appeal may be.

  What I'm trying to say is I don't make any of the characters based on myself fall in love with women because 1.my fans will do plenty of that for me and 2. I don't want to create a fictional perfect women for one of my characters so they can be happy with her and I can't

  Okay that sounded more bizarre on paper than I thought it would so let me try again. The characters I base on me I can give the perfect 10 men and have them be happy because my characters are the best parts of me who can get the 10 men but I won't write a women for any of them because I want her to be real....and I want her to be for me not someone or something I'm writing.

  Okay I still sound totally mental....and maybe that's the point. Love makes people mental.

  I'm not in love right now, except with the idea of being in love but I have been in love with that since I was probably 5.

   I just know that love itself can make a person insane, and irrational, can make them think deep thoughts that they can't get out in a coherent sentence, make them cry when they are happy and laugh when they are sad. It can make us lost and found at the same time, it can teach us that the only thing we ever really know is that we know nothing about anything at all. We can be sure and unsure sane and crazy at the same time. Love can do amazing things even if it's not romantic love, it can move mountains and save lives, and quell tears.

  Love can do it all. Which is why I hold onto to my emotional masochism with both hands because after all that I've been through... the lies, and the cheating, and the doubt, and the tears I can still believe in that sentence. So much that I will say it again and until the day I die.

  Love can do it all.

 

Another Fanfiction Fueled Rant

Please excuse me while I rant a little again.

  So I have said before that I cannot wait for the day when my fans start writing fanfiction and having said that again I must also say this...

 I will never discourage any of my fans and any ships that they might ship, any OTP's they might have

 I was on one of the Harry Potter fan pages I belong to on Facebook and one of the Admin's put up a picture saying "Get out all of your ship hating here" to discourage it on pictures or posts which I think was a good idea but unfortunately I saw things that I didn't like. Don't get me wrong as far as Harry Potter goes people are vehement about their OTP's and ships and I try not to discourage any of them but I cringed when I say people say

  "I hate all non-canon ships because if JK didn't write it than why bother?"

 As a writer myself that really made me angry. When you write and publish a book you open your characters up to fan interpretation, and I believe that when the fans get a hold of them they gain a life of their own so why try to put a damper on it. 

  I feel like as long as a person has good reasons that a pair should be together they should be allowed to do and write whatever is in their heart. I would never want to dishearten any of my fans or a ship they feel passionate about. 

  Also speaking as a writer working very hard on her first book, a million and one different ideas for the book can run through my head in a few weeks, a few days or even a few hours. No fan could ever know the millions and millions of things that Ms. Rowling thought while she was writing her books. Who knows what kind of ships she might have considered before settling on the canon pairings? 

  Mostly I just hate when people are so narrow minded and sadly it doesn't just apply to books....but that is one of the places it bothers me most.

  Rant over

Life Is A Highway....Oh Crap Writers Block

  So lately I've been so inspired and I can't even explain why but I can't seem to take that inspiration and channel it into my writing...well not my current chapter.

  I wrote a little one shot fanfic, which FanFiction.net made me edit because their rules are stupid..but I will come back to that. I've even started writing a future chapter from book two because I can't get it out of my head...well also for another reason.

   Recently I got my hope up relationship wise and within the last few days those hopes are gone again. It stings but I'm trying to move on as fast as I can because it isn't worth my time or tears. Still it makes me want to write the major romance in my story. If I can't have a love story of my own then I will live vicariously through my characters so I started to write it when I should be focused on book one. Why? Because unless I finish book one there cannot be a book two!

  So here I am at 4am trying to explain my road block to my blog and I've only ended up frustrating myself more. I want this so badly, I want this story to be told and published I just can't seem to get it out.

  Now as for the FanFiction.net problem...I wrote a Draco and Ginny song fic to the song Home by Michael Buble and it had the lyrics in the fic to help break it up in the right places and so everyone didn't have to look up the lyrics. Well I get a message from someone telling me that it was against the rules and I had to take the lyrics out or face consequences. Okay...first of all if I gave the artist credit what is the problem? People use lyrics and quotes in papers and things all the time they just have to cite it and I did. Second of all what is FanFiction.net really going to do to me?? I could always get a new name republish all my stories and things like that. I fixed it but the story now seems like it's missing something and I think it hurt the short little one shot. I just...I dont...UHHHHHH

  Okay now that I've vented a little and got some of my frustration out I will try to go back to writing. Any encouragement would be wonderful. Thank you all for reading.

More FanFic Talk

  Hello friends,

             I am here because I must get my brain moving somehow. I sat up all night a few days ago writing, and trying to get some work done.

           Well the only work I ended up getting done was on this one shot Draco and Ginny fanfiction that I wrote. Thankfully I got that up and posted and hopefully I'll be starting my second sequel to the most popular  Draco and Ginny story that I've ever posted.

       I really want to post the story on one of the Draco and Ginny fanfiction sites that I used to go to all the time. Sadly to do that I would need a Beta or someone who is better at grammar and picking up on the little nit picky things than I am. Sadly I can't search for one because fanfic's should be my main focus. I should be focused on my own book.....which of course is the problem!

    I lost my point so I am just going to post this and try to write again, but if anyone Beta's or anything please let me know.

A Milestone For Me

  So I know it's not exactly a big deal but I have actually gotten over 1000 views on my blog.

  Never thought I would have more than 3 followers, or get as many views as I have.

  I know it probably sounds really sad, because everyone who reads this probably has a lot more views than that but to me this is actually a milestone.

  So thank you all for viewing, and reading, and caring...even a little.

Z.J.: Yes I Am Fortunate I have a Character With a Z Name

AT LAST

 Z is for Z.J.

   So I go out not with a bang but with a fizzle, but at this point I'm not too heartbroken. I am just very glad that I finished and I can go back to blogging at my convenience .

  Anyway...Z.J. the last of my four but not the least. In fact Z.J. is one of my favorite to write because he does have a childlike aspect to him. He spent his early childhood in an orphanage where everyone was focused on getting adopted, and to get adopted you needed to appeal to people. No one wants a spoiled little child to adopt they want a child that impresses them. Z.J. focused on being well mannered and everyone liking him.

  Then once he was adopted he didn't change too much, his adoptive parents are very quiet and encouraged Z.J.'s love of music and the arts. They got him into the best music and art programs they could and let him have the freedom to decide what he wanted to do, and where his passions were. They do however love the fact that he was well mannered and quiet because that fits in well with their lifestyle.

  Sometimes Z.J. does feel a little uncomfortable because people obviously know that he isn't his parents biological son, he does however speak fluent Spanish having learned from the age of 5 or 6 when he moved in with the Sol family. Still his parents never want him to feel adopted and they are very good at doing that. Z.J. has never for a second felt that his parents don't love him as if he was their child. He is aware however that his parents did lose their biological child before it even had a chance to live so he doesn't want to ever disappoint them.

  So there we have it kids....my A to Z journey has come to a close. I thank you for reading, and following and I will see you again soon.

Yielding: Why I almost gave up the A-Z Challenge

Y is for Yield

  Okay, don't get me wrong I have enjoyed doing the A to Z challenge this month. It has helped me think about the depths of my story, my characters, my setting it's even helped me double my followers.

   However the A to Z challenge has also really confined me in some ways. I have not written anything of my own in almost a month because my brain has been so focused on writing this and coming up with new things. My attention span has been dwindling and I've been unable to focus on anything. It's even a chore for me to get these short little posts over and done with.

  I wake up go to work, come home, try to have a normal life and somewhere along the line I have to remember to write one of these posts. By the time I get home from work I hardly want to do anything at all let alone writing an insignificant post that hardly anyone sees and even less people actually care enough to read.

  It's just really frustrating because I want to finish the challenge but I want to be able to write my own stories. It probably doesn't help that I am stressed out about other things, but usually writing has a way to de-stress and calm me but not recently.

  Sometimes I even think that me doing the A to Z challenge has helped more than hinder. What if after this is over I still can't open my mind enough? When I go back to blogging when I want to and not when I feel like I have to what if my creativity still doesn't come back?

   I've been trying so hard to see this through but it really has hindered me and I will be so happy when this is over. I love to blog...but my way on my own time.

X....No Cute Title for This Either

X is for Xenogenesis

Xenogenesis is a generation of offspring entirely unlike the parent

  First of all let me say I started this post on 4/27 but it won't be posted until 4/28....mostly because I have gotten caught up in the series Once Upon A Time and have been watching that for the past two days. I got home from seeing a play tonight and went "Crap, it's Saturday....I need to do my A to Z post." So here it is.

  A generation of offspring entirely unlike the parent....well that is my four Demi-Angels. Just look at that Demi-Angels....they aren't angels and they aren't human so therefore they are truly on a basic level entirely unlike their parents. They are not humans like their mothers and they are not angels like their fathers. They have power over an element like their fathers but not all of them have their fathers element.

  Marissa has power over water and Uriel has power over Earth, whereas Gabriel is the Water and Gia has power over Earth.

  Also unlike their fathers each of them has another active power. Marissa is telekinetic  Z.J. is telepathic, Penny is a shape shifter, and Gia is an Empath. None of their fathers directly have these powers, yes because they are immortal beings not of this world they can conjure powers they need but none of them have specific powers like their children.

   They also each try so hard to be unlike their mothers, yes they all do a bad job of being unlike them but they do try. Marissa doesn't want to abandon anyone like her mother has, Penny doesn't want to treat anyone like her mother taught her, Gia doesn't want to die like her mother, and Z.J. wants to be strong like his mother wasn't.

   So really there are a lot of shades of  Xenogenesis in my characters.

Women: Hear Me Roar and Such

W is for Women

  One of my favorite quotes

     Yes I write strong female characters, I will never write anything but strong female characters. My female characters stand up for themselves, are in charge of their bodies, their lives, they have strong voices, and they can fight for themselves. Even my female character with all their faults are stronger for them because we all have faults but we can either deny them and let them rule us or use them and control them to our advantage.

   That is what strength truly is, knowing who you are and being better for it. It took me a long time to become comfortable with who I am, to like who I am and once I did I finally was able to believe all the good things that my friends and people around me told me. I know I'm not the best person, I am a bit of a control freak, loud, pushy, obsessive, a know it all, a bisexual girl with no luck in romance, who has mommy issues and abandonment issues. I use those to my advantage, I don't let anyone control my weaknesses because I know what they are. 

  Each of my main female characters is strong for a different reason. Marissa is strong because like me she knows who she is. She also is intelligent and won't let anyone make her feel inferior without her consent. Penny is strong because she likes sex, and enjoys being a women and controlling her own body. She decides when, and where and with who, and she won't let anyone else tell her she can't. She's also fiery and won't let anyone quench that fire. Gia is strong because she won't let anyone force her into something she doesn't want  or that isn't whats best for her. She also won't let anyone else bully another women, or her female friends. 

   Z.J. is also quite the feminist, and yes I am using that word correctly. He respects women, and he looks at his female friends as stronger than most men he has met. The four are on an even playing field and Z.J. doesn't ever treat the three girls like they are anything but his equals. Yes it can be hard for him because he is such an introvert and the three girls are such strong personalities and yes Penny and Gia like to bust his balls a little but never in a condescending way. As many people don't understand feminism isn't about putting men down it's all about equality.

  That my dear followers is why I will write strong female characters. But until we don't need feminism anymore my answer will be just like Joss's.

Violent Ends

V is for Violence

   Not every book can be about the happy puppy that finds a boy and lives happily ever after. It seems like now all Young Adult books need to have a lot of violence....from the Hunger Games to Harry Potter even Twilight has violence in it too. Seems like along with a love story books now, especially fantasy or YA books need to have some kind of violence or ass kicking.

  I guess I am no different because all of my characters not only have powers that they use to fight, but each of them has a weapon that they master as well. I don't really have a problem with violence but the again I am not going to be excessive with it either.

  I can't even explain my take on violence in my story because in book one violence isn't that huge yet. Yes it exists in the first book because there is a death of a character in a violent manner and from book one the violence only gets worse,

  The worst part about this post is that I can't even go into the extent or amount of violence because I would be spoiling so much! That is always a really hard line for me with this blog, talking about my book without spoiling too much, sharing without giving you all  the details so that you still want to buy the book that I hope to publish.

  But back to violence. I don't plan on giving long excessive descriptions of killing, or things like that because lets face it, its a lot more fun when the author leaves things up to the readers imagination. The again I am not going to leave it so open that people get the wrong ideas because sometimes that can make fans unhappy.

   It's a fine line that authors dance.

Unipara

U is for Unipara

 Unipara means a woman having given birth only once.

 3 out of 4 of my main characters mother's are Unipara and I wanted to take some time to talk about the moms since I talked about the dads.

   It's actually a lot easier for me to write issues with moms because I have a lot of my own mommy issues. In fact I am almost positive that some of my own mommy issues come up in each of my four characters. So let me start at the beginning with the names of my characters moms

    Trista West - Marissa and Eli's mother, still living

    Deirdre Teman- Penny's mother, still living

   Elena Aston- Z.J.'s biological mother, deceased

   Valerie Norris- Gia's mother, deceased.

    Each of characters reflects one of my central issues with my own mother.

      Marissa- Marissa most of the time just feels like she isn't good enough for her mother. Trista is very successful, and so is Eli and Marissa wonders if she'll ever be as good as her mother or her brother. Which is why she is always trying so hard, because she feels if she doesn't she will never get her mothers attention and will therefore never get her mothers love. I have the same issue, I want my mother's approval and I am never going to get it but that doesn't stop me from trying.

   Penny- Penny doesn't have a mom she has a friend. I wish my mother and I could be friends, I wish I could talk to her about more things happening in my life, but whenever I do she is very critical of how I act or what I am doing. Penny's mom is the opposite which I used to illustrate what can happen with parents who are too much like friends and not enough like parents. 
 
Gia- Gia's mom hid a lot from her daughter before she died. She was never open with Gia because she was afraid of reveling too much and it turned Gia into someone who has trouble sharing, and disclosing, and being vulnerable. Gia only ever saw her mother holding back, which is the same with my mom. My mother had an abusive father and she in turn became abusive.

Z.J.- Z.J. didn't know his birth mom, she died having him and he was immediately put in an orphanage. Here is also where I look like a bad person. Being abused physically yes but mostly mentally by my mother has  hardened me to her so much that sometimes I wish she would just leave. Some days it ranges from her and my dad getting divorced, to her just leaving and not coming back, and yes even her dying. I think I projected some of my horrible wishes into my story and gave Z.J. no knowledge of his biological mother so he could avoid anything bad.

   So yea...this post about how most of my characters mother's are unipara women has turned very depressing and heavy so I will post again tomorrow and I'll make it lighter.

Try Me!

T is for Try

   Sometimes I don't think people realize how hard writers have to try every single day. My favorite quote about writing is...

“Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.”

  If that isn't trying hard I don't know what is. Every day on top of everything else a writer does like work, or go to school, have a social life, do chores, they also have to come home insert themselves into a totally different reality. They have to live not just in their own mind but in the minds of each of their characters, and they have to know these people better than they know themselves. 

   Sometimes I am so grateful for my acting background because it makes keeping track of characters a lot easier. I know how to be two people at once...yes I realize that makes me sound totally crazy but being an actor I have to be a character on stage while somehow still being me. I can tell you right now, as a writer and an actor it helps to compartmentalize who I am. I keep my actor in one part, my writer in another, my characters in a different part and I can choose which one I want to use at which time or release the flood gates and let the crazy use all of them at once.

   All I do on a daily basis is try. As anyone who struggles with depression can tell you every day is a struggle , every day you have to try so hard not to get mired down with the disease you have. I try every day not just to write, but to get out of bed, smile, and live.

  All I have to show for me trying every day is my life....and I am damn proud of that.

Stuck in a Rut

S is for Stuck

  Don't look for any inspirational or insightful posts tonight. I have been working a lot, my sleep schedule is messed up, and I still have to shower and get to sleep for my 8am shift tomorrow morning. Thank god I have two days off to recover after tomorrow.

   What I am going to talk about tonight is about being stuck in a rut, which is what I am in right now.

  I can hardly think of two thoughts to string together in life and writing. I have had my draft open in Word for two days and I can't think of a thing to write or say. I have really just been stuck and I really don't have anything else to say.

  What would be nice is if anyone could give me some encouragement or something to help me in this rut.

Regret Me Not

R was originally going to be for Re-write.

I was going to talk about how the editing and re-write process is the stage that I am dreading...dreading dreading dreading. I have already been through one edit in which I went all the way back to the beginning of my book and changed the Point of View from first to third person. So that is what I was going to talk about but considering the mood I'm in...

R is for Regret

  We all know that regret is a base human emotion. If anyone says they don't regret anything then they are lying or deep in denial. I know that regret is also something that you can accept and overcome but it is a bitch.

  As a writer I regret many things; books I haven't finished, writing I gave up on, opportunities I missed, or even a day I go without writing. It is a struggle sometimes to get over those daily regrets and continue to write but if I let regret hold me down I would never get anywhere. Sometimes its even hard to talk about things that I regret if I haven't gotten over them yet, or if I still struggle with it. Some regrets can come back and come back and continue to plague you.

   Regret also plays a big part in my characters lives in all of my books. Each character has something that they regret. In fact one of their trainers specifically deals with regret and helping the heart to heal. I don't want to spoil their regrets because it really plays a big part in learning about each character but I can say that their regrets are not exactly what people might guess. Getting over regret and learning how to handle it is a big step for my characters.

  It's funny because I can write about how they can deal with it and get over it when I myself am plagued with so many regrets I am still trying to get over.

Quad- Yea I don't have a cute title for this one

Q is for Quadral

Quadral means in four parts.

  My book is very much about balance and how four different friends, with different strengths and weaknesses somehow come together to make one functioning unit not to mention family.

  The four Demi-Angels each represent one of the big four. Like elements, directions, seasons and the big four Archangels...they even represent the four Hogwarts houses, which I didn't do on purpose I just kind of realized one night.

   It breaks down like this.

                         Marissa- Water- Winter- West- Uriel- Ravenclaw

                         Gia- Earth- Autumn- North- Gabriel- Gryffindor

                         Penny- Fire- Summer- South- Michael- Slytherin

                         Z.J.- Air- Spring- East- Raphael- Hufflepuff

   The four friends even have four different weapons that they wield and different strengths when it comes to school and life. When I started I was adamant about making sure that even though I am dealing with a Quadral I wanted the four parts to fit together to make a whole and I think I have done that well with my main four. Their faults and strengths line up with each others so that the four pieces of the puzzle just fit. Sometimes it seems like they need to be forced but just give it time and the final product will be four people together as one.

Penny For Your Thoughts

P is for Penny

   Once again I am going to try not to tell you all what I already posted so I am going to talk about how hard it is for me to write a character like Penny.

    Yes I did base her off one of my best friends which makes it even harder to write. My best friend can be somewhat sensitive and sometimes easily offended. She also has rose colored glasses on when it comes time to look in the mirror. So when I am writing her character and just keeping her true to what she would do or how she would act she can get offended.

    So sometimes I worry about treading lightly but then I remember I'm a writer and it's my job to stick to my truth and not give it up for anyone else. If I can air out my character flaws in Marissa then my best friend should be able to deal with what I write as a part of her character.

   Penny is the textbook example of an only child, she is the most boy crazy and interested in sex, she can be a little shallow, she doesn't like not getting her way but she is loyal, loving, kind, funny, talented, an an amazing friend in general.

   We all have to take the good with the bad. We are all like two sides of a coin we all have our good points and we all have our bad ones. No one wants a character that is all good at all times because that is 1. boring 2. unrealistic, and 3. No one would learn or grow in a story if that is true. Each of the characters has their bad points that they need to learn from and each has their good ones that make them likable and relate-able.

   She can get as mad at me as she wants, in the end it is a character not totally her so if she reads too much into it maybe she has finally taken the Rose colored glasses off.

Its An OTP Thing

O is for OTP

   As any of my shipper friends know OTP stands for One True Pair. So why am I talking about shipping and things that could be involved in FanFiction writing....well for two reasons really.

      1. I write fanfiction and I have many ships and OTP's
      2. I will feel like I have truly made it as an author when my fans start shipping and writing fanfiction

   As far as OTP's for my story go I don't want to give anything away, right now the only canon OTP I will share with you is Rico and Eli who I call Reli because like all those celebrities they need a combined named.   I will be very interested to see all the other pairings that my readers and fans come up with and I will welcome almost all of them. There are very few pairings that I will outright say I dislike because I don't like to stifle anyone's creativity or ideas. Now instead of continuing to talk about my book I am going to list off some of my favorite books and or movies and TV shows and then list off my OTP's.

  Harry Potter OTP's

            Ron and Hermione - Yea I was one who wanted that from day one and I knew it was going to happen.

           Harry and Luna - I never liked Hinny...sent the wrong message to me. I really liked pairing Harry and Luna together because I think they really understand each other. Harry is the first person in the series we really see reach out to Luna and I think that really says something.

           Draco and Ginny - I get weird looks for this one all the time. Draco and Ginny is so obscure in most HP fan circles that they don't even make it into favorite couples or anything. Personally this is my favorite and I have shipped it since I was in High School. I love the Romeo and Juliet aspect and I really think Ginny would be able to teach Draco a lot and he would be the fiery type of guy that Ginny needs. I have written many a D/G fanfic if anyone wants to read them let me know.

           Draco and Harry -  Yes I love Drarry! I have read so many Drarry stories and some of them I could actually see happening. I love the play on the line between love and hate with Draco and Harry which is why this pairing works for me.

      Avatar The Last Airbender OTP's

           Katara and Aang: I wanted Katara and Aang to be together, they were just too cute for words. It was pretty much known as soon as Katara went to Madam Woo in the Fortuneteller episode. If she had ended up with anyone else it just wouldn't have felt right.

          Toph and Sokka: This is my number one most favorite Avatar OTP...Tokka for Life!! I think their humor, their wit and their attitudes just fit and compliment each other. There would never be a dull moment with these two and I know everyone is going to yell about Linzin and how it would be incest but who says that Sokka is Lin's father?? I totally buy that Toph didn't tell Sokka her feelings because she wanted to see him happy with Suki and she tried to have a relationship with someone else which resulted in Lin and then Sokka and she got together later in life.....and yes I have thought about this way too much!

     Buffy OTP's

         Buffy and Angel - No one and I mean NO ONE will ever sell me on Spike and Buffy. I will go down with this ship! They are soulmates and meant to be as seen by Angel's one moment of true happiness. No other women he had sex with made him turn evil...why? Because he was only truly 100% happy with Buffy and she clearly didn't love ANYONE as much as Angel

         Willow and Tara - The cutest sweetest OTP...there isn't much I can say about this it's perfection

        Xander and Anya - He's a little clueless and can be shy she's blunt and straightforward they were made for each other. No one else could handle Anya except Xander and no one would understand Xander like Anya.

  Acceptable Buffy Ships

               Buffy and Faith - Yes its a little dark and twisted but I like it.

              Willow and Oz - Willow's first love, I hated Oz for the way it ended but until then I thought they were cute. Willow talked too much and Oz hardly talked at all and they complimented each other well.

  Well here my obsessive OTP rant comes to a close. If anyone who reads this could also go and read my N post that would be awesome. I worked really hard on that one and would love some feedback.

A Name...What's In It?

*Deep breath*

N is for Names

  Okay readers, be warned...this is going to be a long one.

  Why you might ask, because like many other authors I think names should have meaning. In fact my readers will be able to get huge insights into my characters long before the plot revels them if they just look up the meanings of their names. J.K. Rowling (she's my favorite author so yes I talk about her a lot) has talked a lot about her name meanings and how she likes for her characters to have names with meaning. Well I like the same thing but here is the thing though...my characters started out with almost totally different names. In fact the naming of my four main characters went through four stages and I am going to break each stage down for all of you so you can see the crazy I go through.

  Stage one Character Full Names

         Elena Marie Wilson (Lena)

         Lillian Ann Brandon (Lily)

        Penelope Ophelia Toph (Penny)

        Jason Paul Andreus (J.P.)

 Stage One: Stage one was basically me asking all my friends who they the characters are based off of what names they would like. Elena and Lily were left over names from a joint story I had been writing with an old friend so since I liked them I used them. Penny's name we wanted originally to spell POT as a joke about what a liberal tree hugging hippie her mother was and Paul was kind of an inside joke between my friends and I. So at first the names didn't have much meaning but that was going to change.

Stage two Character First Names

           Kendria

           Gia

           Penelope

          Zephyr

  Stage Two: I decided to focus on the first names. Elena got changed to Kendria which has a connection to water. Lilly got changed to Gia which up until I started this post I thought was a variant of Gaia which means earth. I stuck with Penelope because I liked it and I figured I could give her a meaningful middle name or something. J.P. got switched to Zephyr because that was the only male air name I really liked. I didn't like the idea of people calling my main character Ken so here we are at stage two and I still wan't pleased with my names so...

    Stage three Full Character Names

               Marissa Emera West (Rissa Riss)

               Lillian Gia Norris (Lily)

               Enya Penelope Teman (Penny)

              Zephyr Jason Sol, birthname Aston (Z.J.)

     Stage Three: I finally looked into all of the name meanings first middle and last.  I did want to keep Gia as her first name but my friend didn't really like it so I switched it back to Lily. So here's how they break down.

          Marissa-of the water Emera- Industrious Leader West- Self explanatory

         Lily- after the flower  Gia- What I thought meant earth Norris- North

        Enya- Fire Penelope- Means weaver but some people also think it means clever Teman- from the south

       Zephyr- Air Jason- Healer Sol- means sun but this is the surname of his adoptive parents. Aston which is Z.J.s birth surname means East

  Stage four (which up until now I thought was going to be the final stage) is basically the same except I switched Lily for Gia. I was getting Lily and Penny confused too often so I decided to solve the problem. Now my names look like...

                 Marissa Emera West
                 Gia Lillian Norris
                 Enya Penelope Teman
                 Zephyr Jason (Aston) Sol

   Now I see I am going to have to have a stage five and rename Gia once again. I'm really not sure what I want to change it to either. My friend suggested Tara but I don't know if I like that for her, its not original enough. So if anyone has a female name that means Earth or something like it please leave it in the comments below.

     Stage Five: ????

             

 

Main Character Street

M is for Marissa

M is also for Main Character

  The main character of my series is Marissa West, but rest assured I am not going to be writing about her....well not really. I already wrote a whole character profile on Rissa so I won't repeat anything that I've already said. What I do want to talk about as far as Marissa is concerned is self insertion.

  So many writers are against self insertion and I know when I finally do get published I will probably get nailed to a wall but I self insert characters into a story. As I said in my B post when I started writing I was told "Write what you know, write what you see, write what you love." I know who I am, I know all the ups and downs and the good and bad things about myself so why not insert them into a main character. If I know  who I am then why not create a character in my image and add or subtract traits I do or don't have? I have so many of my friends tell me who strong I am so why shouldn't I put that into my main character? I am a feminist at heart and I believe we need strong female characters, more of them, until people see women can be as strong as men.

  I will defend my self insertion of myself and my friends to the ground. Creating believable characters is hard and writing is hard enough so why not use any way of making it easier we can. Anyone who does want to attack me I will just look them straight in the eye and ask them how they feel about J.K. Rowling and anyone who says they are a fan I will inform them that Jo put a lot of herself into Hermione, and her friends and people she knew became characters in the story as well. So if one of the most successful writers of my generation isn't against it I don't see how any other author can turn their nose up at it.

   I have made some distinctions between myself and Marissa which are very important. Marissa is much more focused on school than I am, she has stage fright and I don't, she has some daddy issues and for the most part my father and I have a great relationship. Looks wise Rissa is also very different, she looks the way I hope to look maybe someday but not right now. So while I might have self inserted with Marissa there are still plenty of ways that I am not like her.

  Anyway I think any author who doesn't put a little of themselves in their characters is either lying or in denial.

All You Need is....

L is for Love Story

When you are writing a book for a certain demographic you really need to include certain things and one of them is yes...a love story.

 For those of you who are not fans of the love stories you can breath deeply knowing that my love story really doesn't take place until book 2 Of 4. I can also assure you that the love story isn't the main focal point of the second book. some books make the mistake of making the love story between two characters too important and it takes away from the main issue.

  My love story is going to compliment the action that is already happening in the book and play into it in ways the my readers hopefully wont see until I want them too. The really weird thing is that I am a hopeless romantic in every ,way except in my own writing. I guess i am more willing to have my characters go through the real ups and downs of relationships than I am to even thinking about them. I do have some hopeless romantic things in store for my love story, but not until it has been through the honeymoon stage at least.

Kill Kill Kill?

K is for Killing Characters

  Okay any future readers of mine, be warned I have no problem killing off characters. Don't get me wrong I don't go around killing characters just because people like them, or just because I can but I will kill characters.

  Not going to give away who or when or why of course but I can say that in all four of my four planned books there is a character that dies, and they get more serious as the series progresses.

  My thought about the idea of killing off a character really roots itself in Twilight. One of the reasons I disliked Breaking Dawn so much was because of the nice neat little bow Stephanie Myers ended her book with. I think all authors can agree to get to the happy ending you need to suffer, and I think the only people who suffered after those stories were some of her readers. I know it was supposed to be for Tweens but look at how many people J.K. Rowling killed off before her book series was over. I firmly believe that the "Fred Weasley" of the Twilight series needed to be killed, someone that was a fan favorite and would have affected everyone else without it being a main character.

   Maybe it just shows what a nerd, or weirdo, or fan, or author I am but character death weighs heavily on my mind. If you are going to do it there has to be a reason, and someone who is going to grow from that characters death. If you aren't going to kill characters when you should then you need to make sure that they deserve their happy ending.

It's not the destination its the Journey

J is for Journey

  This is the post where I start to talk about the journey I've been on as far as my writing. I've come a long way from my first book that I started to write in 8th grade. In fact I spent most of my High School career writing my first book that I didn't even get finished. It was a female driven LOTR type story but I got stuck on the gigantic war chapter and it just fizzled out. Now that I go back and read it, its kinda like that horrible first book everyone has to write to get it out of the way. I was trying way too hard to be the next J.K. Rowling or J.R.R. Tolkien and it didn't work out.

  Most people know why my second story got shelved but just in case anyone doesn't I'll explain. I was writing a vampire story because I have been obsessed with them since I was 12 and saw Interview with a Vampire. My vampire book was very witty, made fun of vampires in pop culture (yes even as a fan of Twilight I can make fun of it, my twilight parodies prove that.) I loved writing it because there was more to it than meets the eye and one day when I'm published I think it could bring vampires back.

  Then there is my current book which as my few followers know is about the children of the Big Four Archangels, Demi-Angels. Yes I can't figure out a better name for them...but names is for the N day. Just a warning my N post will probably be pretty long because I have had a huge battle with names. As far as this spot on my journey I feel good about where I am. If I keep working hard I could have my first draft done by the end of the summer. It's just hard because life happens around you and effects your writing journey. I wish I didn't have to work or make money or have a life outside of my little writing world. I wish I could just lock myself in a room and just focus on writing but I can't. Learning how to balance is part of the journey too and that is also a lesson the four Demi-Angels have to learn in their first year of college when they find out who they really are.

  See even in my world somehow it all comes full circle...that's my kind of journey.

Ink Me Up

 I is for Ink

    So one of my first ideas that has stuck all the way through was the idea that each of the Demi-Angels has been the idea that they have the sigils of their fathers on their inner wrists much like tattoos but they are more like birthmarks. (fig 1.)

    No mortal can see them so they don't have to worry about people asking questions, but even if they could they would just be able to explain them away as tattoos. To give you an idea of what I am talking about the sigils of the Big Four are below. Ariel is Uriel it just depends on the translation and that one is green, Raphael's is gold, Gabriel's is Blue and Michael's is red.

    This books means so much to me that I even got Uriel's sigil tattooed on my foot (fig 2.). I did base Marissa off myself, Uriel is the angel I have looked to in the past who has gotten me through a lot so this tattoo is special. It was also my first one and before anyone asks the reason I got it on my foot instead of my wrist was because Uriel is associated with the Earth chakra which is located three feet below your feet and I couldn't get a tattoo there so I got the next best thing!

(fig 1.)

(fig 2.)

Homo-Erectus

H is for Homo-Erectus

 That is the name of the gay club that belongs to the West Family. Eli decided when he was in college that he wanted to open up a gay club down in Hampden so with his business degree and some money he had been saving he started what turned out to be a very successful business. It is one of the hottest places to be and is open and inviting to all people not just the LGBT community.

  I don't even remember where I came up with the idea to have Eli own a gay club but I can say that I love that I did that. I love it so much that if and when I get published I actually want to open up Homo-Erectus in Baltimore. I love going to gay clubs, and having a good time and I want to make this one a reality. This club is meant to look like a New York back alley, very shabby chic and more than meets they eye.

  It is really crazy how something that doesn't exist can appear so vividly in ones head. I know exactly how I want this club to look, the decor, the lights, the bar, everything in this club already exists in my head and my favorite part? The phone greeting..."Hello, thank you for calling Homo-Erectus the Homo home away from home. This is (name) speaking, how can I make your day more gay?"

  Oh yea, you have no idea how excited I am going to be when I can actually try to make this a reality!

G....ia Aren't You Glad to See Me!

G is for Gia

   Gia is a very complex character and she is probably the hardest to write because the person she was based off of and I are no longer friends. She was originally based off my friend Sam but now she has become a fusion of a whole lot of my female friends.

   Gis is the most reluctant of the four Demi-Angels because of how her life has already turned out. She lost her mother when she was very young and has been raised by her mother's parents. She has missed out on a lot of things because of their age, she also never asked for many of the things all children want to do because she didn't want to make her grandparents feel bad if that did have to say no. When Gia moved back to Maryland she and Marissa met and the two have been best friends ever since. They are very similar but at the same time incredibly different. Marissa is the more loquacious of the two friends, and the more social. Growing up the only "friends" Gia had were her teammates from the various sports she plays but she never really saw them outside of things that related to the team. Most people in High School thought Marissa was limiting herself by hanging around with Gia, that Rissa could have been the most popular girl in school if it wasn't for her loner type friend.

   Thankfully Marissa ignored all of them and stuck by Gia and still does. Gia finally got to do some of the fun things she missed out on as a child when she got close to not only Marissa but Eli and Rico as well. The four of them went to Disney world, and did other things that made them all feel like kids again.

  I enjoy writing Gia because she is so different from Marissa in contrast. When you have a character like Rissa you have to have a foil for her and Gia is just that.

Making Up My Days

Sorry everyone...I missed two days so I am going to make up my E and F today.

E is for Eli

   Eli West is one of my most important secondary characters. Eli is Marissa's half brother, they have different fathers and no Eli is not a Demi-Angel like his sister. Eli is the one who has been raising his sister since their mother left, he has been the father and mother to his sister growing up. Eli is probably one of my favorite characters to write because he's funny and sweet. Eli is a combination of two of my favorite people in my life my brother and my best friend. He has all of the best qualities from the two of them he is someone Marissa trusts and can talk to just like my brother and Brock are to me. So I'll give you all a little overview of Eli

Full Name: Elijah David West

Number of People who call him Elijah: 0

Hometown: Hampden Maryland

Career: Owner of the popular club Homo-Erectus

Relationship Status: In a relationship with Rico Caleb Moreno

Grauated from: University of Maryland University College

Favorite person: A tie between his sister and his boyfriend


F is for Family

  One lesson I've learned and I cherish is the lesson that family doesn't just mean the people related to you by blood. Sometimes the bond of the heart are even stronger. I myself have some family issues and I don't always feel the closest to them but I have created my own family out of my friends. One of the big themes of my book is the bond between the four Demi-Angels and how they make a family unit out of each other.

 Each of them is missing something from their family life and they are able to find it in each other much they way I have with most of my friends. My friends are my family and that is very true for Marissa, Penny, Gia and Z.J. They live together, train together, face some of the toughest situations of their lives together and the support each other, that is everything a family is.

Daddy Can You Hear Me?

D is for Daddy Issues

 Welcome to my D day where I talk about my first books central problem...well at least for Marissa.

All four of my main characters have Daddy Issues. All four of them have never met their birth fathers and theirfore each harbor resentment towards them. Marissa is the one with the biggest paternal chip on her shoulder which I decided to make her serious flaw that she has to get over to grow in the first book (Thank you Ashley Nixon) Still each character has their own reason for their Daddy Issue

Marissa: Grew up being raised by a single mom and than by her older brother. Feels neglected and unwanted by her father

Penny: Grew up with a mother emotionally scarred from the loss of her love, who treated her like a friend and not a child, had no real parental figure to look up to and learn from.

Gia: Grew up with her grandparents missing out on some of the things kids got to do with their parents, not wanting to ask her grandparents for fear that they would think he was ungrateful

Z.J.: Grew up in an Orphanage until he was around 5, has two adoptive parents wh he is very close to but he feels like he can't ask them about his real parents because they just won't know or it might hurt them.

   Out of the four of them Marissa is the one you feel the least sorry for, and in the book even more so, yet she is the one with the biggest axe to grind that when a situation arises she begins to break down bit by bit until she either has to face her Daddy Issues and grow from them or turn and run.

  I'm really excited to see where I can take this as far as characters and the lessons they can get out of the first book. I'm also pushing myself because my relationship with my dad is, for the most part,  really good one. So I am drawing a little on my own issues with my mother and spinning them to fix Marissa but still using them as motivation.

  I can't wait to get more into this because while everyone likes a Daddy's Little Girl....they like it even more when she goes rebel.

Character...you can't fake it

C is for Character

    My two sense for today is about characters and character building. I know dome authors struggle with creating characters but I am very lucky when I am able to say I am not one of them. I have been told that I have a very natural ability to create a character that people both like and believe. I wish I could take more credit but I really can't. Most of my characters are based off of someone I know or a few people. I take parts of their personalities and meld them with the parts they don't have to create a character based on them.

   For example Marissa is a character I based off of myself, she has my passion for books and school, devotion to friends, close relationship to her brother and need to be the bossy correct know it all. However her stage fright, daddy issues, and privilege are all things that I added to make a totally new person.

  Z.J. is based on my best friend Kirby, Penny is based on my best friend Addie and Gia is a mixture of many of my female friends while Eli is half my brother and half my "gay husband" Brock. The conversations that the characters have in the book are a lot of the time based on real conversations that my friends and I had. I like to take as much of my real life and infuse it into my books as possible. My books are a very urban fantasy because they have a real life setting and time but a fantastical background so it has to feel real. If at any time I think I am not being real I might just have a serious problem...well at least from a character stand point. Because I don't really think I'm the daughter of an Archangel.

......Or do I?

B is for Boston....I mean Baltimore!

 Now that I have told you the idea behind my book I can share my setting and of course there is a story behind it.

   Originally I set my story in Boston Mass. because I have some gay characters that are very important to my story and I wanted it to be set in a state where tolerance and equality existed. So I set my story in Boston where gay marriae has been welcome for awhile but I have never even been to Boston and I ran into problems picturing things, and setting things up. Then the issue of gay marriage came up for a vote in Maryland and the more it looked like it was going to pass the more I liked the idea of changing the setting of my book to Baltimore so I did.

   My grandmother always told me "Write what you know, write what you see, write what you love."

   I was born in Balimore and lived there until I was about 5 but I've lived in Maryland my whole life and I decided to set my book in Baltimore and other parts of Maryland. So my characters are going to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore and I have been using some of my other favories places around it as well. I'm very glad I switched it feels more real, and more honest.

   After all Good Morning Boston....just doesn't have the same ring to it.

First Day of A to Z: A is for Archangel

  Welcome to day one of my A to Z Adventure!!!

   A is for Archangel

   For my first day I am starting at the beginning where my story began. Back when I was in High School one of my friends and I used to have these Role Play games that we called wars and we would take on persona's that we were from myth or even religion. I took on the persona of Archangel Uriel one time because I felt a kinship to him. Even after we didn't have our little wars anymore I still looked to Uriel for guidance and strength while I was struggling with depression and an abusive mother. Then a few years ago I stumbled across a book all about Uriel, how to talk and communicate with him, what he does, what he is good for and I devoured that book. In the back of it was a section all about other Archangels and the more I read the more I became interested.

    From there I began to form this story all about four college age students who find out they are the children of four of the Archangels. Through this month long A to Z challenge everyone who reads this will get an inside look at my book including characters, places, ideas, and even some of my processes. All I can say is stay tuned and if you have any questions feel free to ask me.

   Sorry this one isn't long but I don't want to give away too much on day 1

Fact or Fanfiction

 Hi my name is Samantha, and I write fanfiction


 I know I should probably be ashamed of that sentence but I'm not. I love the fanfictionthatI write and I have some followers who seem to love it too. Don't get me wrong I don't want to turn into the next 50 shades of grey, which for anyone who doesn't know was a Twilight fanfiction that got turned into a novel that should be sold in a brown wrapper. Sorry to anyone who likes the Grey books but I am not a fan, I think it's literary dribble and it also gives fanfiction writers a bad name.

   Fanfiction is meant to be just that, fiction written by fans of the books, nothing more nothing less. I write Harry Potter fanfics because I don't like some of the canon pairings. So I mess with characters and plot while still respecting J.K.'s vision...well most of the time. My most popular fanfiction revolves arouns Harry Potter becoming the villian after the war and Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley ending up together (If anyone is interested I will gladly give you the links).

  People ask me all the time why I write Fanfics and mostly it has to do with how I get inspired. I write fanfic when I need a serious writing boost. Sometimes all it takes is a good review from someone you don't know on the internet to makeyou feel like everything you are doing is worth while. Also, while I'm being honest, when people like my fanfiction it tells me that I am a decent writer, and that maybe this is what I am good with. It's really amazing how excited I get when someone likes what I do with fanfiction and then I start to think if I can do this well with something someone else has already written imagine how well I can do with my own thoughts and material.

  It's late and I think I lost my point....but there you go. I love fanfiction, I read it, I write it, and I will be so excited when people start writing fanfiction about my book!

The Next Big Thing???

   So as anyone else can probably tell with their eyes closed the writing world has trends and it seems like if you don't get your book in at the right time with the right trend it can get lost and maybe not even get the attention it deserves or even get some negative attention later.

   Case in point So You Want To Be A Wizard by Diane Duane, it was released over 16 years before the first Harry Potter book came out in the US but people who read it after Harry Potter claimed that it was copying what J.K. had done. Here we see a trend, wizards got a huge popularity boost when the Harry Potter years began and children looking for books like it probably stumbled upon what Ms. Duane had written and just assumed they were inspired by the Harry Potter books even if that wasn't true.

   I guess I'm writing this because of my own fear of the trends. I have begun three books in my writing career and two of them have followed popular trends. The first one I started to write while Lord of the Rings Mania was still sweeping the world. The movies were just coming out and everyone was gobbling up those kinds of books. Sadly it was overworked way too much like LOTR, I was trying too hard and it stalled which I think was for the better. I was in my late middle school and early high school years and I didn't have the talent to be writing something like that. I fully intend to go back to it once I have established a name for myself and maybe have some other things published first.

  The second thing I started to write was a vampire book....while Twilight, and True Blood and the Vampire Diaries were wildly popular in bookstores and in the media. I didn't do it because of those books, I have had a love for vampires since I was about 13, I just had an idea and I went with it. Sadly I realized that by the time I finished and published my book the vampire trend would be over and I would once again have missed my chance at having my book alongside those best sellers that were in the same vein. Once again I plan to go back to this book and maybe start the vampire trend again years down the road. I think my vampire book is a good concept; yes there is a vampire human love story but no one sparkles and I actually take a jab at a lot of vampire pop culture while staying true to the vampires Bram Stoker and Anne Rice created.

   The third and current book I really think could go the distance and the best part is no one has really had a run away smash with my current subject. The Mortal Instruments series has some of the same subject matter, like half Angel children, but I don't think its all that similar and I have a totally different tone than those books. Yes there have been successful books written about Archangels, hell I am almost positive that there are almost no subjects left that have nothing written about them, but none of the books have been as huge as some of the books that sparked huge trends....knock on wood. I am so scared that this trend is going to pop up and I am still going to be plugging away trying to finish my first draft and I will miss my window once again. That thought alone makes me want to quit my job cut myself off from the world and sit alone writing until I am finished so I don't miss what might be my chance to be the next big thing.

   This fear is bigger than my fear that I might not be a good writer, it pretty much trumps any other writing fear I have. I don't need to be the next big thing (though how awesome would that be) I just need to find the right window and climb in. So here I am plugging away knowing that one day I'll find that window and if not maybe another one will be open.

  Okay so my two followers....big news!!!

   First of all....I FINISHED MY POV EDIT!!!!!!

   All the pictures on my tumblr say it best http://ohshinyspecialone.tumblr.com/post/45257830699/so-i-dont-know-if-anyone-wll-understand-how-big

   I am so happy that it is over and done with because now I can move on with my life and my writing.


   Second news is that I have joined the A to Z challenge so I will actually have to blog every day. I plan to blog A to Z using things from my book. So characters, places, situations, things that inspire me, even quotes. Anything that pertains to my book can be open in the A to Z. So stay tuned and maybe my blog will get a little better.

  Okay so the two people who actually read my Blog probably know that I decided to switch my story's POV after I've already written half of my book. Originally I had it written in first person so it was my main character, Marissa, telling the story heself but I realized how limiting that was.

   There are way too many things I want to touch on from each of my characters, and they are thoughts and ideas that the specific characters wouldn't say outloud so I had to find a way to get them out. At first I thought I could just make Marissa have the power to read minds so she could know what she needed to know and then convey that to the readers. Then when I really thought about it and while Marissa is a know it all she would never invade someone's privacy like that. In the end it was better to keep Z.J. as the mind reader is really the better choice because he won't use the power to know anything his friends don't want him to know.

   So then it was switching first person to 3rd which is been a huge pain in my ass. Going through every sentense and finding the I's and changing them to she's and the we's and turning them to they's. I am like 75% of the way done with my POV edit but yet I'll go back and catch a place here and there that I missed and its very furstrating.

  I'm glad I changed POV when I did even if it is a thorn in my side because you can explore so many more characters and their thoughts and ideas when you are in 3rd person. As a main character Marissa (much like the person she is based on...me) likes to be the center of attention so the last thing she really needs is to be is the narrator as well as the main character of the story.

  SPOILERS AHEAD BE WARNED!!!!!!

  When Penny finds out her mother is dead we need to be able to see inside her head and know how she's feeling and how she handles things.

  When Lily is resisting joining her friends in their quest to save the world the reader needs to know why, not just Rissa's guess as to why

  When Z.J. gets his first taste of something other than living a loner life of music and hard core rehearsing everyone needs to be able to understand how happy he is to get more of a life.

  Writing in 3rd person I think will open a lot more doors to my story. Right now I am just trying to get the POV done so I can finish my first draft but I think when I do my first full round of edits it will be a lot easier to expand on the ideas I already began to build. So right now I just have to power through it all and get the last chunk done.

  Little engine that could time...I think I can! I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!!

Midnight Writing

   I remember sitting in this place when I was more new to the world. Back then 24 seemed like a lifetime away to a girl of 10 with her whole life ahead of her. Now as I sit in this same familiar spot 14 years later I long to grasp onto the child that ran away from me too fast. Depression and an abusive mother made me grow up before my time; suicidal thoughts by the time I hit middle school, in therapy with diagnosed clinical depression before high school, multiple attempts on my own life, cutting and self harm have all lead me here. Down a path no one can prepare you for and few people come back from, I've been treading that path for longer than I care to think about and all I have to show for it is my life. I was one of the lucky ones...I came back. Not every teen who deals with these issues can say the same, their voices silenced at their own hands. Often times people who think they are helping just hurt more, and some people try to help when they shouldn’t. I always made it very clear to my friends that if I ask you for help or advice give it to me, but if I am telling you what’s wrong I am just venting. I learned how to protect myself a little more, while still being open to love and life. I made it to 24 when the world seemed to fall all around me, but it sure as hell wasn't just because of me. There are people in my life who all but hauled my ass out of despair and back into the real world.

    Lisa, Laura, Fergy, Jess, Jenny, Jordan, Emily, Brock, Steph, Allison, Sam, Addie, Kirby, Maggie and more recently Ashley and Sarah...you all are pieces to the puzzle of why I am still here. Some are bigger than others but all of them are important to me. If I haven't thanked you before I am thanking you now. I know some of you won't read this, and some of you that do won't care because we've drifted and are no longer a part of each other’s lives but thank you just the same. You were the friends who held my hand and wiped away my tears in High School. You are the therapist that I am going to owe money to one day for all the times you listened to me, and cared about me. It was the late night chats over the internet that made me think twice about what I was about to do. It was the sleepovers and Bitchfests, the countless meals, junk food, and alcohol that got me through it. It was you caring about me when it seemed like no one else did, you reaching out to me when no one else would, you standing by my side when everyone else was turning their backs on me. If we have lost contact I am sorry because every person I named has truly been a blessing in my life and I thank you again for what you did for me. Something like this, written at midnight while I wander the streets outside isn’t enough of a thank you but then again very few words I write could say all I need to. So to all of you I give my love, my thanks, an open invitation back into my life and a special place in my heart and memory forever.

     So what would make a relatively sane women sit in the cold at the end of January in just leggings a short sleeve T-shirt and a hoodie? Let me tell you… the relatively sane person can't answer that. I was looking for some clarity and here on a raised sewage drain sticking out of the hill at my elementary school I have found it before but tonight it eludes me. I look at the stars, feel the cold starting to numb my fingers and take another breath. Maybe the clarity I am searching for is closer than I realize. I just need to remember that I am still alive, and I have plenty of my life left to live. I keep thinking that losing a job I hated is the end of the world, but if I have some patience and give it some time everything will be okay, because it always is. That thought is enough to keep me going, to get me through to tomorrow, the realization that I have more time to make mistakes.

      Its cold, I glance once more out over the fields and at the stars and get up from my perch. My legs are numb as I walk away but as I do I realize I'm not crying anymore which is a step in the right direction. I glide along the asphalt sea towards the school, mirroring steps I took as a girl. I see the number 1997 on the building, its first year. I was 8, in 3rd grade, I would be able to find my old rooms in an instant, most people would see that as an inability to let go I see it as cataloging where I've been. The relentless march of time never ends and so I just try to hold on while not letting go of the important things that have helped to shape me.

       I walk toward where I live, the house that stopped being home a long time ago and breathe in the ice like night air. That is what I told my parents after all that I was going out for air, so I might as well get my fill before I am once again surrounded by the reality of my circumstance. I walk slowly head back taking in the moon and the clear sky and as I reach my front porch another moment of clarity.

     I may not know where the hell I am going but you better believe I know where I've been.