Forgive the emotion level in this post, I am on the rag and have watched too many romantic movies today. Why you ask??
Because I am an emotional masochist, also known as a hopeless romantic.
I have wanted to fall in love since I was a little girl. In the beginning it was the fairy tale, happily ever after, prince and princess stuff Disney force fed little girls. Don't get me wrong, I love Disney movies always have and always will but as a little girl it just seemed like that was all I saw around me.
Then as I grew older it was the girl meets boy, normal relationship that hopefully doesn't end in divorce type of love story.
Then I got a little older and it turned into the girl meets boy or girl meets girl and blah blah love blah blah marriage blah blah blah.
I can tell myself that's what I want....in reality I still want the fairytale. Yes I still could end up with a Prince or a Princess because I am a bisexual women but that doesn't change that I want the horrible cliche, running to each other and kissing in the rain while the credits roll happily ever after.
Sadly....and also in a paradoxical type situation... I am also a realist. And while it is perfectly possible for me to have the fairy tale I have craved since I was a young girl, I know in the end it isn't realistic. Why isn't it realistic you may ask...well because I seem to be one of the least wanted people on the planet. Yes once again...not a realistic statement but I am not exactly thinking logically right now. I mean the people from the Westboro Baptist Church can get married and breed at a surprising rate but I can't even get a date let alone have a relationship.
I am still a virgin and I am going to be 25 in like 7 months and I swear if I don't get laid before I'm 30 I will join a convent or go into full hermit mode and try to stop caring so much. Come to think of it I have tried to do that before and it hasn't worked. I know exactly why it hasn't worked because I need people...I am a person who needs people and there is nothing wrong with that.
But to my point...how do I relieve the ache from the empty hole in my heart that exists because of all my failed relationships? I write...I write my perfect romance in each and every book I've tried to finish. Yes the character I am based with always ends up with a guy and once again I know exactly why that is.
While I say I'm Bisexual....I like women a lot more. They are less judgmental, more willing to please, and I understand them better. For me to date a guy he has to be like an 8 or higher....and I am like a 2...on a good day. Women don't seem to notice that I'm a 2 while men....well I can't even get hit on by guys anymore...so there is no way in this life I am going to get the hot guys that I want. Women...I just don't see the same way, with women its the small things that make them beautiful like an amazing smile, or a laugh, or sharing an interest. I fall for women so easily and so quickly but yet the two I've been with have sadly not even deserved to have me, low as my appeal may be.
What I'm trying to say is I don't make any of the characters based on myself fall in love with women because 1.my fans will do plenty of that for me and 2. I don't want to create a fictional perfect women for one of my characters so they can be happy with her and I can't
Okay that sounded more bizarre on paper than I thought it would so let me try again. The characters I base on me I can give the perfect 10 men and have them be happy because my characters are the best parts of me who can get the 10 men but I won't write a women for any of them because I want her to be real....and I want her to be for me not someone or something I'm writing.
Okay I still sound totally mental....and maybe that's the point. Love makes people mental.
I'm not in love right now, except with the idea of being in love but I have been in love with that since I was probably 5.
I just know that love itself can make a person insane, and irrational, can make them think deep thoughts that they can't get out in a coherent sentence, make them cry when they are happy and laugh when they are sad. It can make us lost and found at the same time, it can teach us that the only thing we ever really know is that we know nothing about anything at all. We can be sure and unsure sane and crazy at the same time. Love can do amazing things even if it's not romantic love, it can move mountains and save lives, and quell tears.
Love can do it all. Which is why I hold onto to my emotional masochism with both hands because after all that I've been through... the lies, and the cheating, and the doubt, and the tears I can still believe in that sentence. So much that I will say it again and until the day I die.
Love can do it all.