The Last Five Years

The last time I posted on this was five years ago, so much has changed since then.

I finished two degrees and am now working on a third.

I moved out of my parent's house, moved back in, and just recently moved out again.

I finished my Hemibim book and now I hate it, mostly because I "broke up" with the people who inspired 3 out of 4 of the Hemibim.

My life is in a totally different place than it was five years ago, I'm not the same person I was and because of that it's difficult to even know where to begin.

I suppose I'll start with me.

I graduated from my community college without much celebration and found an English program at University of Baltimore that seemed like everything I wanted. I applied, was accepted and made pans to move to the city to be closer to school. What followed was one of the hardest years of my life.

I loved being on my own in my own apartment, but I was also lonely. I had friends at school, but they weren't the kind of friends I hung out with off campus. I spent most of my nights alone, I didn't do much other than school and work-study except schlepping back and forth to HarCo to continue working with a small theater company.

Thinking back on my first year at UB and how often I was running around, I'm amazed I managed the grades I got. Not long after starting there I decided I wanted to go to Grad school there too and I got into the Accelerated program and began taking Grad level classes while I was still working on my undergrad degree. I graduated this past December, Magna Cum Laude, with my Bachelor's in English and a Creative Writing concentration and after winter break I began my time as a Grad student.

I love my school still, I love the program that I have entered. I even found a group of like minded classmates who have become my writing "coven"

I was given an award from the English department for Excellence in Creative Writing. 

Academically my writing career is at an all time high...I wish I could say the same for my own works of fiction.

I get inspired to write when I can't sit down and do it and when I have the free time I will stare at a document that I've started and get maybe two or three sentences down. Sometimes I just have to see those as a victory and take what I can get.

So I decided to come back to my blog.

This is a place where I don't have to have a prompt or an idea.

I can go on tangents about what I'm trying to write, or an idea I had, or even fanfiction as anyone who knows me is aware I love.

Even if I'm not writing as much as I want right now that might change. I could get hit with a huge wave a creativity tomorrow and finish two chapters, or I could keep trudging along day after day, writing my novel three lines at a time.

Either way, I am still doing this and that is something I am proud of. 

Inspiring Words

Decided to post a little blurb from a conversation I had with my best friend.
Me: sometimes I love my writing

My best friend Brock: I'm glad you can recognize that there's stuff there to love. A lot of writers

can't see anything there.

Me: there are days where I have no idea why I still plug away at this where I doubt it will ever be anything and I will have just wasted my life doing this but I love it so much so how can that be a waste

Brock: Truth!

A Late Night Emotionally Charged Post

  Forgive the emotion level in this post, I am on the rag and have watched too many romantic movies today. Why you ask??

Because I am an emotional masochist, also known as a hopeless romantic.

  I have wanted to fall in love since I was a little girl. In the beginning it was the fairy tale, happily ever after, prince and princess stuff Disney force fed little girls. Don't get me wrong, I love Disney movies always have and always will but as a little girl it just seemed like that was all I saw around me.

   Then as I grew older it was the girl meets boy, normal relationship that hopefully doesn't end in divorce type of love story.

  Then I got a little older and it turned into the girl meets boy or girl meets girl and blah blah love blah blah marriage blah blah blah.

  I can tell myself that's what I want....in reality I still want the fairytale. Yes I still could end up with a Prince or a Princess because I am a bisexual women but that doesn't change that I want the horrible cliche, running to each other and kissing in the rain while the credits roll happily ever after.

  Sadly....and also in a paradoxical type situation... I am also a realist. And while it is perfectly possible for me to have the fairy tale I have craved since I was a young girl, I know in the end it isn't realistic. Why isn't it realistic you may ask...well because I seem to be one of the least wanted people on the planet. Yes once again...not a realistic statement but I am not exactly thinking logically right now. I mean the people from the Westboro Baptist Church can get married and breed at a surprising rate but I can't even get a date let alone have a relationship.

  I am still a virgin and I am going to be 25 in like 7 months and I swear if I don't get laid before I'm 30 I will join a convent or go into full hermit mode and try to stop caring so much. Come to think of it I have tried to do that before and it hasn't worked. I know exactly why it hasn't worked because I need people...I am a person who needs people and there is nothing wrong with that.

  But to my point...how do I relieve the ache from the empty hole in my heart that exists because of all my failed relationships? I write...I write my perfect romance in each and every book I've tried to finish. Yes the character I am based with always ends up with a guy and once again I know exactly why that is.

  While I say I'm Bisexual....I like women a lot more. They are less judgmental, more willing to please, and I understand them better. For me to date a guy he has to be like an 8 or higher....and I am like a 2...on a good day. Women don't seem to notice that I'm a 2 while men....well I can't even get hit on by guys anymore...so there is no way in this life I am going to get the hot guys that I want. Women...I just don't see the same way, with women its the small things that make them beautiful like an amazing smile, or a laugh, or sharing an interest. I fall for women so easily and so quickly but yet the two I've been with have sadly not even deserved to have me, low as my appeal may be.

  What I'm trying to say is I don't make any of the characters based on myself fall in love with women because 1.my fans will do plenty of that for me and 2. I don't want to create a fictional perfect women for one of my characters so they can be happy with her and I can't

  Okay that sounded more bizarre on paper than I thought it would so let me try again. The characters I base on me I can give the perfect 10 men and have them be happy because my characters are the best parts of me who can get the 10 men but I won't write a women for any of them because I want her to be real....and I want her to be for me not someone or something I'm writing.

  Okay I still sound totally mental....and maybe that's the point. Love makes people mental.

  I'm not in love right now, except with the idea of being in love but I have been in love with that since I was probably 5.

   I just know that love itself can make a person insane, and irrational, can make them think deep thoughts that they can't get out in a coherent sentence, make them cry when they are happy and laugh when they are sad. It can make us lost and found at the same time, it can teach us that the only thing we ever really know is that we know nothing about anything at all. We can be sure and unsure sane and crazy at the same time. Love can do amazing things even if it's not romantic love, it can move mountains and save lives, and quell tears.

  Love can do it all. Which is why I hold onto to my emotional masochism with both hands because after all that I've been through... the lies, and the cheating, and the doubt, and the tears I can still believe in that sentence. So much that I will say it again and until the day I die.

  Love can do it all.

 

Another Fanfiction Fueled Rant

Please excuse me while I rant a little again.

  So I have said before that I cannot wait for the day when my fans start writing fanfiction and having said that again I must also say this...

 I will never discourage any of my fans and any ships that they might ship, any OTP's they might have

 I was on one of the Harry Potter fan pages I belong to on Facebook and one of the Admin's put up a picture saying "Get out all of your ship hating here" to discourage it on pictures or posts which I think was a good idea but unfortunately I saw things that I didn't like. Don't get me wrong as far as Harry Potter goes people are vehement about their OTP's and ships and I try not to discourage any of them but I cringed when I say people say

  "I hate all non-canon ships because if JK didn't write it than why bother?"

 As a writer myself that really made me angry. When you write and publish a book you open your characters up to fan interpretation, and I believe that when the fans get a hold of them they gain a life of their own so why try to put a damper on it. 

  I feel like as long as a person has good reasons that a pair should be together they should be allowed to do and write whatever is in their heart. I would never want to dishearten any of my fans or a ship they feel passionate about. 

  Also speaking as a writer working very hard on her first book, a million and one different ideas for the book can run through my head in a few weeks, a few days or even a few hours. No fan could ever know the millions and millions of things that Ms. Rowling thought while she was writing her books. Who knows what kind of ships she might have considered before settling on the canon pairings? 

  Mostly I just hate when people are so narrow minded and sadly it doesn't just apply to books....but that is one of the places it bothers me most.

  Rant over

Life Is A Highway....Oh Crap Writers Block

  So lately I've been so inspired and I can't even explain why but I can't seem to take that inspiration and channel it into my writing...well not my current chapter.

  I wrote a little one shot fanfic, which FanFiction.net made me edit because their rules are stupid..but I will come back to that. I've even started writing a future chapter from book two because I can't get it out of my head...well also for another reason.

   Recently I got my hope up relationship wise and within the last few days those hopes are gone again. It stings but I'm trying to move on as fast as I can because it isn't worth my time or tears. Still it makes me want to write the major romance in my story. If I can't have a love story of my own then I will live vicariously through my characters so I started to write it when I should be focused on book one. Why? Because unless I finish book one there cannot be a book two!

  So here I am at 4am trying to explain my road block to my blog and I've only ended up frustrating myself more. I want this so badly, I want this story to be told and published I just can't seem to get it out.

  Now as for the FanFiction.net problem...I wrote a Draco and Ginny song fic to the song Home by Michael Buble and it had the lyrics in the fic to help break it up in the right places and so everyone didn't have to look up the lyrics. Well I get a message from someone telling me that it was against the rules and I had to take the lyrics out or face consequences. Okay...first of all if I gave the artist credit what is the problem? People use lyrics and quotes in papers and things all the time they just have to cite it and I did. Second of all what is FanFiction.net really going to do to me?? I could always get a new name republish all my stories and things like that. I fixed it but the story now seems like it's missing something and I think it hurt the short little one shot. I just...I dont...UHHHHHH

  Okay now that I've vented a little and got some of my frustration out I will try to go back to writing. Any encouragement would be wonderful. Thank you all for reading.

More FanFic Talk

  Hello friends,

             I am here because I must get my brain moving somehow. I sat up all night a few days ago writing, and trying to get some work done.

           Well the only work I ended up getting done was on this one shot Draco and Ginny fanfiction that I wrote. Thankfully I got that up and posted and hopefully I'll be starting my second sequel to the most popular  Draco and Ginny story that I've ever posted.

       I really want to post the story on one of the Draco and Ginny fanfiction sites that I used to go to all the time. Sadly to do that I would need a Beta or someone who is better at grammar and picking up on the little nit picky things than I am. Sadly I can't search for one because fanfic's should be my main focus. I should be focused on my own book.....which of course is the problem!

    I lost my point so I am just going to post this and try to write again, but if anyone Beta's or anything please let me know.

A Milestone For Me

  So I know it's not exactly a big deal but I have actually gotten over 1000 views on my blog.

  Never thought I would have more than 3 followers, or get as many views as I have.

  I know it probably sounds really sad, because everyone who reads this probably has a lot more views than that but to me this is actually a milestone.

  So thank you all for viewing, and reading, and caring...even a little.